Relax, Refresh, Restart

**Trigger Warning: su*cide**

Building a business with AuDHD has been... Well, it's been awful for the most part. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE what I do. I love designing, creating, learning about my craft on the daily. What's been awful is everything I need to do to make money off my passion. Is it worth it? ABSA-F*CKIN-LUTELY! But I've always hated those blogs that romantasized running your own business.

I was so stressed trying to monetize my creativity that my creativity said "nope" and ran. I tried to push through but I could tell my work was getting sloppy. It dampened my excitement at markets, caused me to spend more money to make the work "easier", and activated my Imposter Syndrome to the max.

And then my cousin died.

When people ask me if my cousin, AJ, were close I tell them that he was born 3 months after me. He was my little brother's best friend. He and his mother (my aunt) lived with us for a bit. I have pictures of us fighting over blowing out my birthday candles. Once on the schoolbus I punched a kid in the head for bullying him & my brother. We weren't "close." We were siblings.

The thing that hit me hardest is that AJ would be constantly admonished as a child for "misbehaving." He was kicked out of Catholic school and yelled at frequently by all the titas. When he was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age the dose they gave him made him a zombie. But he never got the REAL help he needed. I wondered if his life would have been easier if he didn't get yelled at so much for just being him.

In contrast, I was a well-behaved overachiever as a child. Next to my cousin, my family thought I was angel. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was in my 20's and not ASD until my 30's. By then, AJ had cut contact with everyone from his old life, saying in his last communication with us that he was sorry for being such a burden. I never got to tell him all I learned about being neurodivergent. I never got to apologize for my role in making him believe he was a burden to anyone.

His death forced me to do what I had needed to do long before: it forced me to stop. I took a hiatus from EVERYTHING- markets, website, IG, everything. I couldn't even create (except for grief). I decided to get a new plant. Then 2. Then more. Then seeds. Then I started to propagate. More seeds. More plants. I turned my grief over death into new life. I didn't know that's what I was doing. I just know that it felt right.

Nearly 3 months later I have a whole ecosystem being built on my porch. There are 2 hummingbirds who use the space daily without fail. They not only use the nectar feeder but also the "shower" to drink and bathe and the poles I have up in my gumamela's planter as a perch. They chase the other hummingbirds away (and often each other). I also have bees. Not a hive, but about 3 dozen honey bees spend half their day drinking from shallow water dishes I leave for them. Moths have entered my bedroom thrice to check out my (not yet bloomed) moonflower. I've battled spider mites and won. And then lost. And now I have predatory mites to help the cause because I refuse to use any chemicals (natural or not).

I spent all my time planning and building and prepping to expand my garden in a way that encourages more life. I'm becomming a safe haven for the nearby wildlife and I love it. And I was able to do it all because the love of my life, Billy, didn't ask why. He never complained, never second guessed, never asked when I would get back to work. He showed interest in every new "plan", was there for me when the grief hit me like a train, and took our 50/50 responsibility for our 4 year old and split it 70/30. Some days it was more like 100/0.

And then one day I created something new. And then something else. And then I started planning which products I would retire and pricing the things I would debut. I checked on the website. I applied for a market. I posted on Instagram. I continued my special interest in desert wildlife from a different angle than I had. I finally felt like I was dealing with my gried, turning it into something that would not only help me but others, customers or not.

Anyway, all this to say that there's no wrong way to heal, no wrong way to create, and there's no limit on how many restarts you get. I am so ridiculously far from where I want my business to be, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. And I have a very happy cucumber vine who'd determined to take over my balcony.

~ Samantha Alosco the ADHD witchcrafter